Pee Baby: The Musical: The T-shirt: The Contest

CLICK HERE TO SKIP TO CONTEST RULES AND INFO

As many of you know by now, I wrote a book called Kitten. Those of you who read it will also know that Kitten contains a story-within-a-story called Pee Baby. This little gem became so wildly popular with my readers that it only made sense to adapt it into a play. And once you've adapted a two-hundred word story into play, you might as well make it a musical.

So I kicked this idea around with some really heavy hitters in the world of THEATRE (you spell it British because it's art... or atr, rather). None of them wanted to help me out, but they wished me luck in my future endeavors.

Good ol' kcb from Breaking Babb helped me out by designing a great poster for Pee Baby: The Musical. In theory, this would help convince people to take the project more seriously.

We were able to convince Laura Lee Bahr to audition. She sent us a lovely betamax cassette containing a few episodes of Perfect Strangers and the following:

 

Since Laura is incredibly talented and we received no other videos, we called her in for a follow up. Which went something like this:

GAB: Hi, Laura. Is it all right if I call you Laura?
LLB: Yes, but you are pronouncing it wrong. It's Laura, not Luau-RAH.

GAB: (Making a note) Must be a regional thing. You've read the script?
LLB: I did. I'm very excited about it. Playing Young Girl would be my dream.
GAB: You've had experience?
LLB: Weeeeeell, I played Baby No. 3 in the Wet Nap Nightmare at Central High.
GAB: That's not quite what I mean. Have you ever been arrested for urinating in public?
LLB: Um, no.
GAB: Do you have a problem with urinating in public?
LLB: Do you mean, do I have trouble doing it, or is it a bad habit of mine?

GAB: Bad habit? Let's not be judgmental.
LLB: When I pee in public it is usually in a toilet.
GAB: That's great. That's what I had in mind, only hundreds of people would be watching. 

LLB: Um...
GAB: C'mon, you aren't pee shy are you?
LLB: (Flipping through script) I don't remember seeing that.The peeing is all offstage, right?
GAB: You must not have the updated script. See, the running time was only about ten minutes. Turns out I'm not very familiar with writing plays or figuring out how long stuff actually takes to act out. But I had some talented young actors run through it and it was... (referring to notes) ten minutes, thirty-four seconds. Actually shorter than that because they kept messing up and redoing their lines. I had to add some length, but I didn't want typical filler. So me and kcb came up with the urination sequence. 

LLB: I see.
GAB: It's a statement about modern sexual repression.
LLB: Is it absolutely necessary to the part?
GAB: Yes. But you'll be expected to wear a false penis, so no one will actually see your hoo-hah. 

LLB: Does the false penis represent something?
GAB: ... Art. I guess art. You've read Freud right?
LLB: I took some psych courses, yeah.
GAB: Sometimes a false penis is just art. Am I right?

LLB: Okay... Is it attached as, like, a strap-on?
GAB: Yes, strapped right across your face.
LLB: How does that keep people from seeing my, uh, hoo-hah.
GAB: They won't be able to look away from the wonder of a false-penis faced beauty such as yourself.

LLB: I don't think I'm very comfortable with this.
GAB: (Pulling the apparatus from a cardboard box) But you haven't even tried it on yet.

There was a lot less talking after that, because Laura left and hasn't returned our calls.

After talking it over in the john, we decided to abandon the musical and that kcb should simply take the poster design and convert it to a t-shirt, which we had Skurvy Ink promptly produce (fifty-three years later).
It looks something like this: 

You are free to pay CASH MONEY AMERICAN for this hip number that even cool kids like VINCE "FUCKING" KRAMER are wearing.

But you can also WIN A FREE T-SHIRT... FOR FREE! By entering THIS CONTEST.

The Laura Lee Bahr Valentine's Spectacular

Laura Lee Bahr is the amazingly talented author of Haunt, a novel steeped in both "cognitive dissonance and emotional resonance™"
(see: My review of Haunt). Not only is she amazingly talented, but she's also amazingly talented. In other ways than just fiction.  (And she's got great taste in lit, too, giving Kitten a 5-star review on Amazon.com).

My first inklings of her true scope were revealed when I spoke with her in person, in a kitchen, during BizarroCon 2012.  (WARNING: Some parts of this conversation may have never happened.)

(The dimly lit kitchen is full of strange people, ie authors and artists, milling about while drinking homemade beers and speaking about the nature of life and shit.  G. Arthur Brown and S.T. Cartledge attempt to engage in meaningful conversation with Laura Lee Bahr.)

G. Arthur Brown: (To Laura) So is Haunt your first book?
Laura:  Yah, totally.  I was like all writing scripts and stuff and that's how I met [John] Skipp™ who helped me get the book out.  But I wrote it a bazillian years ago.  When I was in my early n0's.
G. Arthur Brown: Wait? How old are you???
Laura: I'm X.
G. Arthur Brown: No way!  I thought you were X-10 years old!
S.T. Cartledge: Yeah, I would have thought you were no more than X-6.
G. Arthur Brown: (Slaps Cartledge across his pretty, goateed visage.)
S.T. Cartledge: Ow! I was going to say X-16. You damned Americans are so impatient!
Nikki Guerlain: (Wandering in, to Laura) You look like a young Maggie Gyllenhaal!
Laura: OMG! LOL! Thanx!  Also I'm a very talented singer/songwriter/ actress/etc...

Yes, ladies and gentleman.  She's (partially) written a very intriguing musical and a "slightly embarrassing" concept album.  So, without further ado, I'll let Laura speak for herself:

I love musicals.  Some people don’t.  Some people hate musicals.  Some people say, “I just hate musicals because they are so unrealistic. When in life do people just burst into song?”  In my life, all the time.  Or really, I just burst into song all the time and sometimes people are nice enough to sing along until they get too embarrassed for me and try to encourage me to stop.

So—

Here’s the lyrical refrain from an unwritten musical that banged around the brain for some time.  It takes place in a dystopian world that one of my best friends tells me is actually just like many places thriving right now:  It’s a romantic comedy set in a place where you get shot if you are sexually transgressive or unmarried by a certain age.  It’s called Nobody Gets the Girl

These are the lyrics sung by the ingénue:

There is nothing nothing to do
There is nothing nothing to say
There is no place, nowhere to go
We're just here - so we might as well stay
But the light in your heart and the light in my head
strike a match and the room starts to glow
there is nothing, nothing to do in this world
but say goodbye-
to once again say hello 

Also, I am slightly embarrassed to admit, I have a Salinger tribute concept album.

(When I say ‘have’ I mean, in my brain and in pieces in garage band.) It’s called The Glass House. Each song is named after, yeah, one of the members of the Glass family. The first song, Buddy, is pretty close to done thanks to Studio 2628 in the valley (but not quite!)  Here’s the latest version of that.

The second song, Franny, is just this:

Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me
Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me
Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me
and
my pathetic little ego

Why I am slightly embarrassed to ‘have’ a Salinger concept album and not embarrassed at all to serenade random people?… well, it’s just because Jerry and I had this thing when I was young and trapped in his cabin, it was like Misery in reverse (“you’re my # 1 fan!” “no! I’m really like number 6173! Owwww! Okay okay! I’m your # 1 fan!”) and I never was quite right before or since.  Jerome David—wherever you are, I have learned to forgive- but I will never forget.

 

Featured Flash!

So I'm doing this FEATURED FLASH thing now.  Posting stuff by other writers whom I like, some of whom are young and new, some of whom you may have heard of.  Sometimes it won't be "proper" flash but poetry or prose-poetry or even song lyrics.  Sometimes it will be dark and serious, light and zany, surreal and mystical, gross and obscene.  But it's all stuff I like and that I think is worth reading and spreading around.

Up coming work from R.A. Harris, J.W. Wargo, Justin Grimbol, CV Hunt, Andrew Freudenberg, Sean Tigert, Shawn Blair, Eric Stoveken, Karl Fischer, Laura Lee Bahr and John Edward Lawson, amongst others.

Not to mention S.T. Cartledge, Mr. Nihil and Edmund Colell whom I have already featured on the Strange Edge.

And my stuff will be sprinkled in there, too. Because I'm selfish and prolific. 

Keep checking back.  I'll be updating a whole lot.

Review: Haunt by Laura Lee Bahr

Haunt by Laura Lee Bahr.

You Don't Know What This Book Is

You don't know why you bought this book. (I met Laura Lee Bahr, but you didn't, so why did you buy it? It's a mystery.)

You start reading this book. You don't know what it is. But you can't put it down. It's like being led by the nose. It's like being in love. You keep reading in hopes you can figure it out.

But then you give up trying to figure it out, because there is no way to figure out magic, and you just enjoy the ride, enjoy being led by the nose. The book smells great, by the way, so you don't mind. Once all is said and done, it's one of your favorite books ever. If you are ever remotely cool, that is.

So, if you are even remotely cool, you should buy this book. And then you have the excuse that I told you to buy it, and you won't have to wonder so much.