Showing posts with label s.t. cartledge. Show all posts
Showing posts with label s.t. cartledge. Show all posts

Monday, April 14, 2014

The Pets of the Missing Beast by S.T. Cartledge (Random Title 28)


Detective Snyder pulled his coat tight across his chest and cursed the bastard farmer who called him out to work so early in the morning. Actually, it was his boss who did the calling, passing on the farmer's message. The message was to be at this address within the hour or else he would be fucking fired. He had never been fucking fired before. He had come close a few times at this job. It sounded painful, and Snyder would rather not risk it. He trudged out into the frosted field, the grey snow crunching beneath his feet and forming a trail of slush puddles from his car. The farmer was waiting for him in the middle of the field, standing beside a fucking big hole.

“Wow,” Snyder said. “That's a fucking big hole.”

The dirt was scattered around the field and the hole disappeared, twisting and tunnelling into the earth. There was only a little snow inside the hole, like it had only been freshly dug.

“There's not a lot of snow down there,” he said. “It looks like a freshly dug hole. What are you doing, digging holes in your field at this hour of the morning?”

“That's the thing, man,” the farmer said. He spat tobacco on the ground. “I weren't the one what dug that hole.”

“Where does it go?” Snyder asked.

The farmer shrugged. “Don't think I know that much.” He blew his nose into a crumpled handkerchief. “What you reckon?”

“Beats me,” Snyder said. “I just thought I was going to have to check out some crop circles, or some shit.”

“Heh,” the farmer said. “Shiiiiit.”

Snyder pulled his torch out. He had one of those big heavy ones security guards carry so they can beat people with them. He jumped into the hole and sunk a few inches where he landed. There was more snow than he thought. Snow and mud, and blood and fur. Shining his torch through the hole, he saw it tunnelling down and around, the blood trailing like the beginnings of an underground river.

“There's blood down here,” Snyder called back up to the farmer.

The farmer responded with a daft “wha?”

“There's blood down here.”

“Wha?” the farmer repeated.

“Never mind,” Snyder replied.

“Oh, blood, yeah. There'll be a lot of that down there.”

Snyder froze in his steps. Not so much from the cold, but more from what the farmer said. There was most likely a monster down here killing things, and the farmer didn't seem fazed. He didn't seem remotely unsettled when Snyder arrived, now that he thought about it.

“See anything?” the farmer called out.

“Nothing yet,” Snyder said.

He followed the tunnel, the blood trail growing thicker the deeper he disappeared.

The splat-splat sound of his footsteps in the thin layer of blood coating the ground echoed through the tunnel. He paused. He could no longer hear the farmer. He could hear the deep-raspy breaths of some asthmatic creature further down.

He progressed slower, thinking of how he would need to soak his shoes in the sink when he got home. He could feel the blood seeping in and around the soles of his feet. In between his toes. The earth and blood had a pungent manure smell to them, or perhaps other smells were wafting from further down the tunnel.

The torch light strained his eyes, and he yawned wide, yearning for the coffee in his kitchen that had gone undrunk. That's when he saw the tie on the ground. And then a jacket. Shirt. Belt. Pants. Underpants. Two more ties and three shirts. Four pants and a belt. Seven shoes. A hat. A severed hand. An arm. Three feet and a full leg. Lying on the ground like a trail of breadcrumbs soaking in blood. A trail of breadcrumbs leading the opposite direction of safety.

Snyder wanted to turn back but he didn't want to return to the farmer empty-handed. He was a terrible liar, so it's not like he could make something up to keep the creep satisfied. If he turned back now he would make up some terrible story and he would tell his boss and his boss would see through his shit and Snyder would be fucking fired.

The wheezing was a lot louder now, and the blood flood was up to his ankles. He turned a corner in the tunnel and shined his light on a hulking great humanoid mole-creature. Black fur and pink eyes, squinting in the dim torchlight. It lifted its finger and made a noise through its clenched mole-teeth, “shhh.”

Snyder saw where the clothes and the limbs came from. Dragging themselves through the tunnel with the mole monster were about a dozen naked and semi-naked detectives with glazed eyes and filthy skin covered in dirt and dried blood. The mole monster gestured for the detective to follow.

Seeing the state these other men were in, Snyder had no option but to follow the beast. It grunted and grabbed his torch and smashed it broken on the wall. In the darkness the beast made sounds which could only be more digging, more tunnelling through the earth.

Snyder followed the beast in the soggy, pitch-black gloom and thought about how, when he failed to report back on the job, on top of being blind, naked, amputated, and crawling through filth, he would finally be fucking fired.



_______

S.T. Cartledge wrote a book called House Hunter. He's also written some other stuff too. There are some short stories and poetry in magazines, some flash fiction and fan fiction online somewhere too. He also has some pretty killer unpublished stuff too. Like that story with the big guy and the dead things. And that other thing with the wicked cool aliens and the weird creatures. He hopes you liked this story and that you will consider being my *ahem* HIS friend.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

The Laura Lee Bahr Valentine's Spectacular

Laura Lee Bahr is the amazingly talented author of Haunt, a novel steeped in both "cognitive dissonance and emotional resonance™"
(see: My review of Haunt). Not only is she amazingly talented, but she's also amazingly talented. In other ways than just fiction.  (And she's got great taste in lit, too, giving Kitten a 5-star review on Amazon.com).

My first inklings of her true scope were revealed when I spoke with her in person, in a kitchen, during BizarroCon 2012.  (WARNING: Some parts of this conversation may have never happened.)

(The dimly lit kitchen is full of strange people, ie authors and artists, milling about while drinking homemade beers and speaking about the nature of life and shit.  G. Arthur Brown and S.T. Cartledge attempt to engage in meaningful conversation with Laura Lee Bahr.)

G. Arthur Brown: (To Laura) So is Haunt your first book?
Laura:  Yah, totally.  I was like all writing scripts and stuff and that's how I met [John] Skipp™ who helped me get the book out.  But I wrote it a bazillian years ago.  When I was in my early n0's.
G. Arthur Brown: Wait? How old are you???
Laura: I'm X.
G. Arthur Brown: No way!  I thought you were X-10 years old!
S.T. Cartledge: Yeah, I would have thought you were no more than X-6.
G. Arthur Brown: (Slaps Cartledge across his pretty, goateed visage.)
S.T. Cartledge: Ow! I was going to say X-16. You damned Americans are so impatient!
Nikki Guerlain: (Wandering in, to Laura) You look like a young Maggie Gyllenhaal!
Laura: OMG! LOL! Thanx!  Also I'm a very talented singer/songwriter/ actress/etc...

Yes, ladies and gentleman.  She's (partially) written a very intriguing musical and a "slightly embarrassing" concept album.  So, without further ado, I'll let Laura speak for herself:



I love musicals.  Some people don’t.  Some people hate musicals.  Some people say, “I just hate musicals because they are so unrealistic. When in life do people just burst into song?”  In my life, all the time.  Or really, I just burst into song all the time and sometimes people are nice enough to sing along until they get too embarrassed for me and try to encourage me to stop.

So—

Here’s the lyrical refrain from an unwritten musical that banged around the brain for some time.  It takes place in a dystopian world that one of my best friends tells me is actually just like many places thriving right now:  It’s a romantic comedy set in a place where you get shot if you are sexually transgressive or unmarried by a certain age.  It’s called Nobody Gets the Girl

These are the lyrics sung by the ingénue:

There is nothing nothing to do
There is nothing nothing to say
There is no place, nowhere to go
We're just here - so we might as well stay
But the light in your heart and the light in my head
strike a match and the room starts to glow
there is nothing, nothing to do in this world
but say goodbye-
to once again say hello 


Also, I am slightly embarrassed to admit, I have a Salinger tribute concept album.

(When I say ‘have’ I mean, in my brain and in pieces in garage band.) It’s called The Glass House. Each song is named after, yeah, one of the members of the Glass family. The first song, Buddy, is pretty close to done thanks to Studio 2628 in the valley (but not quite!)  Here’s the latest version of that.

The second song, Franny, is just this:

Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me
Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me
Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me
and
my pathetic little ego

Why I am slightly embarrassed to ‘have’ a Salinger concept album and not embarrassed at all to serenade random people?… well, it’s just because Jerry and I had this thing when I was young and trapped in his cabin, it was like Misery in reverse (“you’re my # 1 fan!” “no! I’m really like number 6173! Owwww! Okay okay! I’m your # 1 fan!”) and I never was quite right before or since.  Jerome David—wherever you are, I have learned to forgive- but I will never forget.


 







Wednesday, December 19, 2012

The Last Librarian by S.T. Carledge



The Last Librarian

The smell of new books? That's a distant memory. Old books with dog-ears and yellowed pages and coffee stains are all I know. Old books with flimsy, faded covers and dust and words unread for years and years and years. As of yesterday, I have started eating the books for sustenance, but I don't think the paper and ink is good for my body. They have little nutrition to give. I never liked Dickens, so he will be the first to go. I eat Great Expectations while sitting by a fire made from Dostoyevskys on the third floor. By now I have used up all the varnished timber hand railings on the stairs and balconies. I am glad for the change, as the fumes from the burnt varnish made me light-headed and I almost fell two storeys down one time. I have made a toilet section in fine arts, and use DaVinci to clean the excrement from my backside.

I am the last librarian left in the world.

I spend every morning taking books off the shelf and reading them. And I spend every afternoon sorting through the returns and putting them back exactly where they belong. But there are always more books in returns than those books I've taken myself. I think there is someone else in this library reading my books. I did not read the Lord of the Rings last Tuesday. I did not read Nineteen Eighty-Four two days ago. I did not read the Hunger Games this morning. Yet they still appear in my returns pile. And I think they're moving things around. Taking books from one shelf and putting them on another where they don't belong. I go to bed on a stack of John Grisham novels and dream about lawyers doing dangerous and exciting things. I wake up and find Winnie the Pooh has been moved to the non-fiction section in between the Mr. Men books and Harry Potter. Calvin and Hobbes turns up in philosophy. That one seems about right. I pile up my books to read and eat this morning and pluck Mein Campf from children's fiction.

My work is never done.


Copyright S.T. Cartledge 2012

Kitten by G. Arthur Brown (New Bizarro Author Series 2012)


My first book is out now from Eraserhead Press.
You can buy it at Amazon, Amazon UK, Waterstones, Amazon Canada, Book Depository, and other places, I'm sure. But if you live in the US, UK, Canada or Elsewhere, these links should be convenient for you.
 
Here's a link of me reading awkwardly from the book!

Here's what some people have to say about this book:

"If you want to read a fun book, get Kitten. It's crazy! It's hilarious! It's AWESOME! It's one of the Bizarro-est Bizarro books EVER!...  It flows well, and the wittiness peppered throughout constantly stimulates the pleasure-center of your brain!... I'm going to have to give Kitten the Kramer Award in Literature, which I made up right now. Well done, G. Arthur Brown (more like Great Author All-Around.) Thank you for doing this to us. I applaud you." -- Vince Kramer, Gigantic Death Worm

"One part a nightmarish family saga, and one part a fantastic, surreal voyage of discovery for a kitten. It's a seriously fun mix of grotesque humour and sombre existential horror." -- R.A. Harris

"This is bizarro written with sincerity. It's funny in a quirky, heartfelt way. It's complicated. It's got depth... I'd call it slow-burning bizarro." -- S.T. Cartledge, House Hunter

Being part of the 2012 New Bizarro Author Series is a special honor, not only because all the books are fantastic first books from talented, promising authors, but because we are the first class to go international. Links to my fellows can be found on the right-hand side of my blog. Buy all these books now from Amazon!  They all qualify for the 4-for-3 deal, meaning if you buy them all, you get two other qualifying books!  It's totally awesome.