Thursday, February 14, 2013

The Laura Lee Bahr Valentine's Spectacular

Laura Lee Bahr is the amazingly talented author of Haunt, a novel steeped in both "cognitive dissonance and emotional resonance™"
(see: My review of Haunt). Not only is she amazingly talented, but she's also amazingly talented. In other ways than just fiction.  (And she's got great taste in lit, too, giving Kitten a 5-star review on

My first inklings of her true scope were revealed when I spoke with her in person, in a kitchen, during BizarroCon 2012.  (WARNING: Some parts of this conversation may have never happened.)

(The dimly lit kitchen is full of strange people, ie authors and artists, milling about while drinking homemade beers and speaking about the nature of life and shit.  G. Arthur Brown and S.T. Cartledge attempt to engage in meaningful conversation with Laura Lee Bahr.)

G. Arthur Brown: (To Laura) So is Haunt your first book?
Laura:  Yah, totally.  I was like all writing scripts and stuff and that's how I met [John] Skipp™ who helped me get the book out.  But I wrote it a bazillian years ago.  When I was in my early n0's.
G. Arthur Brown: Wait? How old are you???
Laura: I'm X.
G. Arthur Brown: No way!  I thought you were X-10 years old!
S.T. Cartledge: Yeah, I would have thought you were no more than X-6.
G. Arthur Brown: (Slaps Cartledge across his pretty, goateed visage.)
S.T. Cartledge: Ow! I was going to say X-16. You damned Americans are so impatient!
Nikki Guerlain: (Wandering in, to Laura) You look like a young Maggie Gyllenhaal!
Laura: OMG! LOL! Thanx!  Also I'm a very talented singer/songwriter/ actress/etc...

Yes, ladies and gentleman.  She's (partially) written a very intriguing musical and a "slightly embarrassing" concept album.  So, without further ado, I'll let Laura speak for herself:

I love musicals.  Some people don’t.  Some people hate musicals.  Some people say, “I just hate musicals because they are so unrealistic. When in life do people just burst into song?”  In my life, all the time.  Or really, I just burst into song all the time and sometimes people are nice enough to sing along until they get too embarrassed for me and try to encourage me to stop.


Here’s the lyrical refrain from an unwritten musical that banged around the brain for some time.  It takes place in a dystopian world that one of my best friends tells me is actually just like many places thriving right now:  It’s a romantic comedy set in a place where you get shot if you are sexually transgressive or unmarried by a certain age.  It’s called Nobody Gets the Girl

These are the lyrics sung by the ingénue:

There is nothing nothing to do
There is nothing nothing to say
There is no place, nowhere to go
We're just here - so we might as well stay
But the light in your heart and the light in my head
strike a match and the room starts to glow
there is nothing, nothing to do in this world
but say goodbye-
to once again say hello 

Also, I am slightly embarrassed to admit, I have a Salinger tribute concept album.

(When I say ‘have’ I mean, in my brain and in pieces in garage band.) It’s called The Glass House. Each song is named after, yeah, one of the members of the Glass family. The first song, Buddy, is pretty close to done thanks to Studio 2628 in the valley (but not quite!)  Here’s the latest version of that.

The second song, Franny, is just this:

Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me
Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me
Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me
my pathetic little ego

Why I am slightly embarrassed to ‘have’ a Salinger concept album and not embarrassed at all to serenade random people?… well, it’s just because Jerry and I had this thing when I was young and trapped in his cabin, it was like Misery in reverse (“you’re my # 1 fan!” “no! I’m really like number 6173! Owwww! Okay okay! I’m your # 1 fan!”) and I never was quite right before or since.  Jerome David—wherever you are, I have learned to forgive- but I will never forget.


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