Ned logged on to facebook to stalk his dead wife. He clicked on her profile pics and found a shot of her sitting on Benjamin Franklin’s lap. She was drunk and wearing the tiniest skirt he had ever seen. He looked at more pics. Heaven looked rowdy. He had hoped that Heaven would be a like one long yoga class. Instead it seemed like a massive keg party.
There was one pic where she was doing a keg stand, with Chris Farley holding her upside down. Her shirt hung over her face. Her big titties dangled. There was another pic of the two kissing. Chris Farley was his favorite actor. Now whenever he watched one of his movies he would think of him boinking his dead, drunk wife. He was devastated.
That’s it, he decided. I can’t take it anymore.
He deleted his dead wife from his friends list.
For a moment he felt better. A weight had been lifted. Then he decided maybe a little too much weight had been lifted. He wanted it back.
He tried to re-friend her. But it wasn’t that simple. She had to accept the friend request.
He waited and hoped for her to accept the request. “Come on, come on!” he mumbled to himself. An hour passed. She hadn’t accepted his request.
It was late, but he was too anxious to sleep. “WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?” he yelled at his computer screen. “JUST ACCEPT MY FRIEND REQUEST! HOW CAN YOU BE SO CRUEL? YOU BITCH!”
He folded down his lap top and took a deep breath. “OK Ned, get a hold of yourself,” he said.
He waddled to the kitchen and made himself a massive ice-cream Sunday and turned on his favorite Rocky movie, the one where he fights off the zombie apocalypse. The movie calmed him down a little. He used to love comedies, but his wife had been hooking up with all his favorite dead comedians and now he found he couldn’t watch anything but horror movies.
The volume was too loud. It woke his daughter. She stumbled to the living room and snuggled up with him on the couch.
“Honey, it’s four in the morning,” Ned said. “It’s way passed your bed time.”
“I just want to watch a little bit of the movie,” she said.
“OK, just a little bit.”
She sat next to him and watched the movie.
When she fell back to sleep he carried her into her bed and tucked her in.
He loved her hair. It was red and long like her mothers.