Irene had a beard. She was a bearded lady in a sideshow. But Irene had a secret. She was really a man with a little pee pee named Eddie.
Eddie was tired of working in the fast food industry. He hated the smell of meat and French fries on his clothes. So he decided to wear a dress, grow a beard, and become a sideshow attraction in the Travelling Sideshow.
Today they were in Panama City, Florida, and Eddie decided to go to Dipping Dots before the show started. People stared at him in his green dress as he ordered the rainbow flavored dipping dots. He paid for the dipping dots and sat at the table eating his dipping dots. The dipping dots were good and ice cold, and he enjoyed putting the little dipping dot beads in his mouth and sucking on them. He called them his miniature balls.
When he was finished with his dipping dots, Eddie decided to go to Alvin’s Island and buy some souvenirs. He saw a bunch of alligator heads and this made him sick to his stomach. How horrible people were to kill such poor and defenseless creatures! Oh the fucking cruelty of humanity! Oh the horror of it all!
Eddie decided to buy a small alligator head and put it in his trailer. He was about to walk out of Alvin’s Island when this thug approached him and asked him why he was wearing women’s clothing.
“I’m a bearded lady,” Eddie said, his high-pitched voice cracking.
“You ain’t no lady,” the man said. “You ain’t no goddamn lady.” He put his hand between Eddie’s legs, but he couldn’t feel anything because Eddie was fat and his stomach sheathed his dick.
“Gee, I’m sorry as a motherfucker,” the thug, said, removing his hand. “You want to go behind Alvin’s Island and fuck in the woods?”
“Sure,” Eddie said. “Let me just pay for this alligator head.” Eddie bought the alligator head, then followed the man outside. “Lead the way,” Eddie said.
The man grabbed Eddie’s hand and led him into the palm trees. Eddie looked behind him and saw they were out of view.
“Give me your fucking wallet,” Eddie said, pulling a pistol out of his panties. “I’ll shoot your dick off.”
“Wait a minute,” the thug said, clearly confused. “I thought we was gonna fuck or something.”
Eddie shot him in the dick and took his wallet. He opened it up, but there was no money inside. What a waste of time. He tossed the wallet at the moaning man and headed back to the sideshow.
Big Barney the Muscle Man was drinking an Ensure and waved at Eddie when he walked up.
“Hey Irene,” he said. “Check this out.” He flexed his biceps.
“That’s really groovy, Big Barney,” Eddie said.
“You know, I think you’re cute, even though you got a beard,” Big Barney said. “You don’t see the beard once you get to know what a beautiful girl you are on the inside.”
“Thanks Barney,” Eddie said, blushing.
“Hey, no problemo, baby,” Barney said, finishing off his Ensure. Barney drank a lot of Ensure.
Eddie went inside his trailer and took his dress off. He was really sweaty. The Florida sun was very hot on his hairy body. He sat naked in front of a fan and let the fan blow air on him. He smoked a cigarette and checked himself out in the mirror. His weight gave him great breasts, but his thighs looked terrible.
There was a knock on the door, and Eddie hopped up off the bed.
“Irene!” a man shouted. “Irene, you in there bitch?”
“Just a minute,” Eddie said, putting his dress back on and opening the door.
“Irene, we got a problem” the owner of the sideshow said.
“What’s that?” Irene asked.
“I was peeping in your window and couldn’t help but notice your dick when you were pissing in the toilet.”
“Oh my goodness,” Eddie said.
“Yeah, the jig’s up, bitch. I know you’re a man.”
“So, what are you going to do?” Irene gulped.
“It depends on what you’re going to do,” the owner said. “You can either get fired or bend over that bed and let me stick it in you for a few.”
“That’s horrible!” Eddie said.
“That’s the way it is,” the owner said. “You’ve been a naughty bitch, lying to everyone like you have been. You deserve a good dicking.”
“Who else knows I’m a man?” Eddie asked.
“Not a damn soul,” the owner said.
Eddie whipped out his pistol and put a hole in the owner’s head, fragments of the man’s skull and brain shattering the window. Eddie looked up at his ceiling. Blood was on it. He didn’t realize blood could fly so high.
“Irene!” came a loud voice from outside the trailer. It was Big Barney’s voice.
“I’m okay, Barney,” Eddie said as Big Barney kicked the door open. It fell off its hinges and flew a couple of feet in the air.
“What happened here?” Big Barney asked.
“He. He tried to rape me,” Eddie said.
“Oh, Irene,” Barney said, hugging the bearded woman tightly. “It’s okay. Shh…hush up that crying. It’s going to be alright.”
“You think anyone else heard the gunshot?” Irene asked.
“No. I don’t think so. Most people are on the other side of the camp, prepping their stalls.”
“Good,” Irene said, pulling a knife out of her panties and plunging it into Big Barney’s chest.
Big Barney’s eyes got wide. “Irene,” he said, “why? Why did you do this?”
He fell to the dirty floor on his back. “I loved you.”
“Is there anything I can do for you,” Eddie asked.
“I’m so thirsty,” Big Barney said, coughing up blood. “I’m so thirsty. Jesus, I can’t see anything. Rub your luscious beard against my face so I know you’re here.”
Eddie rubbed his beard on Big Barney’s face.
“Good. Goog,” Big Barney said, coughing. “I’m so thirst. Please, can you get me some Ensure. Just one last bottle. Chocolate, not Strawberry.”
“I don’t have any Ensure,” Eddie said.
“Check my pockets Irene,” Big Barney said. “Check my filthy fucking pockets you bearded whore.”
Eddie bent down and checked the right pants pocket. He pulled out Strawberry and opened it up for Barney. “Here, motherfucker,” Eddie said.
Barney took the bottle and drank deeply. “This is strawberry,” he said. “Fuck me.” Then Barney died.
Irene was sick of the sideshow business. That shit was stupid.
Eddie grabbed a can of gasoline. He started dousing the trailers with gas and lit them up. Then he left.
Jimmy James "M.F." Pudge was born into this world on 6-9-1979 in a truck stop toilet at a TA Travel Center in the backwoods of South Georgia. An honest and conscientious man, Jimmy served several prison sentences because he refused to give in to the federal laws that impose independent spirits' rights to be entrepreneurs. An expert in the art of pruno, shank construction, and paper dart blow guns, Jimmy briefly served as a leader in his dorm room before being released early for good behavior. He has blogged, and might one day blog again at Much Love with Jimmy Pudge.