Sunday, March 13, 2011

A Vision of the Future

Tuesday I got a vision of the future. You can’t control what it is you see when something like that happens. Keep that in mind. The images came to me quickly, so I’ll try to relate them in some kind of sensible order.

i. General Overview of the Future

In the future things will be cleaner, movies will be better and small children won’t need to be afraid of anything at all. Restroom technology will be simply astounding. A really amazing remake of Robin Hood will come out. Kids will have a horny armor-like shell.

I. The Restrooms

In the future you won’t have to worry about catching a disease in a public toilet. For one thing, commodes will be eliminated and everyone will use those eastern-style porcelain holes in the floor. In the future everyone will have been bred to be mostly Asian and the lack of a seat won’t be a problem for anyone. This will fix the problem of germ transmission via contact. Butts will have fewer pimples. But that will not be all.

In the future everyone will take special pills. These pills will be colloquially known as ‘your daily chalk.’ This will cause a person’s feces to come out in small roundish units roughly the size of golf balls, with a smooth, white shell. This will prevent the feces from dirtying the posterior of the defector and also will limit the possible transmission of feces-born pathogens. It will not be hard to squeeze out these ‘eggs.’

In the future there will be specially bred toilet attendants. They will be no larger than seven inches in height. They will have begun as pygmy stock and be progressively shrunken over the course of centuries. They will dwell in the crannies of public restrooms and only emerge when a defecator requires their assistance in ‘laying eggs.’ The attendants are small enough to be able to grab the ‘eggs’ and also strong enough to pull them free of most sphincters. If need be they will have the ability to worm their way up into the rectum to unstop potentially impacted ‘nests.’ Their skin will be extremely slippery with a natural tallow-like sebum produced as a lubricant for their dark journeys. The attendants will not mind their work. In fact they will have been specially bred to survive on the feces produced by defecators. They will collect the ‘eggs’ and take them home for supper.

In the future these tiny attendants will have a very strange religion with a unique (and false) cosmology regarding their origins and the nature of the defecators. I wish I had been able to see more regarding this.

II. Robin Hood

The best part of the future Robin Hood movie will be this: There is an intense swashbuckling scene where it appears that Robin has the advantage, but then Capt. Hook turns the tide and cuts off Robin’s right hand. The hand and the sword Excalibur both fall into the Cracks of Doom, presumed destroyed forever. “Robin,” Hook says, “I am your father.” It’s very intense. Robin’s faithful companion Arthur emerges from behind a boulder and rubs the lamp he pulled from the stone, summoning the genie Merlin. But it is too late: Hook has transformed into a bat and flown back to his secret castle. It looks then like they might never find the Holy Mandylion.

Arthur bandages Robin’s stump and begins to cry. When the tears touch Robin’s wound, a lobster claw grows in place of the lost hand. The two men and the genie are all quite hungry, so they agree to cook the claw and divide the meat inside between them. The genie is not accustomed to seafood and consequently vomits up bat guano which turns into dung beetles as it touches the cursed ground upon which they sit dining. There is a quick bathing scene where we see Arthur’s supple, pubescent breasts with 666 tattooed above the left nipple. Then it flashes back to a much longer scene of Merlin vomiting up large chunks of flesh that become weasels and raccoons. The two men are still hungry so they cook the creatures. After eating the weasels, Robin’s hand regenerates miraculously, and after eating the raccoons, Hook is no longer his father.

III. The Skin of Children

In the future there will be a great famine, at which time many children will be eaten. The ones who will not have been eaten will have to become tougher to stave off ingestion by their elders. The horned flesh will be a natural byproduct of rampant pedophagia. It will also keep them safe from other things, like large bees and small monsters. Being hit by cars will also no longer be a concern, because the horned child is the car’s natural enemy. In the rare instances where a car will still decide to take on a child, it will almost always end badly for the car.

In the future children will ask their parents to take them to see Robin Hood even though it will be rated R. Their parents, of course, will tell them that they cannot see such a mature movie. They will then begin to nuzzle against their parents, which will cause a great friction against the smooth skin of their mother’s and father’s faces. The blood that will be produced from these abrasions cannot be swallowed by vampires, in case you were wondering. In the end, the parents will take the children to see Robin Hood and the kids’ favorite part will be this: Robin Hood returns to the Black Forest and is greeted by the Lost Boys. He asks why Sancho Panza isn’t welcoming his return. They sadly inform him that Sancho was killed defending the toy factory from a hobgoblin attack. (Sancho Panza is quite a compelling figure in this adaptation, and will be played by Morgan Freeman, who had himself cryogenically frozen so that he could perform this future role.) They file Robin’s teeth down and wipe him with hay. After he recuperates fully from the shock he tells them of the unfortunate escape of Hook, but they do not seem too concerned. They have improved their fire bombs and a squadron of their dirigibles is already en route to Castle Oz. We see a scene of the ruined castle in flames, but it is hardly clear that Hook was killed in the assault, though we do find out that his 15-month-old adopted daughter Hanna was killed, and two of his sons were injured. Hood’s foreign policy is then heavily criticized by the Saxon Intelligentsia, but soon enough the movie finds a way to end itself and the kids can be home in bed before 9:30.

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